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Kama sutra for the non sexually active.

Read The Lazy Sod's Guide to Sex << Click for more information


The Ten Steps of the NonSexAholic

So you recognise one, possibly all of the symptoms of decline - proof, beyond doubt, that you are truly Past~It. Don’t Panic! It’s not the end of the world – just the end of sex as you knew it! This phase of your life calls for a new approach to sex – a calmer, more laid back approach. There are benefits to this; no longer need you worry about whether or not you are getting enough sex, no longer need you suffer the stress involved in giving a partner multiple orgasms or multiple partners single orgasms. The Kalmer Sutra will show you the path to a ‘new’ true, lasting sexual satisfaction. By admitting that you are a NonSexAholic and following the Kalmer Sutra steps you will achieve infrequent and effortless sex and realise that this is not a problem but a release. Once more you will find tranquillity and happiness.



Step 1: The Problem Admit to yourself that you no longer crave sex. Admit that cars, clothes, music, taxidermy and numerous other exiting activities are now much more important to you.


Step 2: The Solution Believe that a happy life, free from sexual pressures, is something you can achieve. Believe that the thrill of sticking a Penny Black into your stamp album is actually much more exhilarating than an hour-long orgasm with a horny porn star. Believe that the path of the Kalmer Sutra can lead to fulfilment without the boredom of sex.


Step 3: The Decision Accept that only you can make the decision to follow the way of the Kalmer Sutra – only you can liberate your soul and bed.


Step 4: Inventory Make an inventory of your lifestyle and begin to make the changes necessary for recovery. Search out all those raunchy books that are secretly hidden around the house and ceremoniously burn them.


Step 5: Confession Admit to friends that you have lost interest in sex and would rather go bowling than to seedy pubs and clubs where you are under pressure to score. If you are really brave admit to your partner that you would much prefer your relationship to enter a new, exiting, platonic phase.


Step 6: Willingness Above all you must be prepared to follow the Kalmer Sutra’s teachings through to the bitter end, accepting that the tranquil pleasure you will experience after the initial torturous pain will make it all worth while.


Step 7: Delete your Lists Destroy your little-black-book and remove all ‘hot’ numbers from your mobile phone.


Step 8: Make Restitution Contact girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, sheep – if you are that way inclined, amorous postmen etc etc and apologise for not being the sex crazed beast that they once knew and lusted after. Firmly, but gently, explain that you are no longer interested in a relationship full of randy, kinky sex but devoid of commitment, and that you now appreciate the important things in life such as flower arranging and Morris Dancing.


Step 9: Meditate Regularly reflect on non-sexual matters – try to do so every six minutes.


Step 10: Help Others At any one time many people are going through the turmoil associated with being a NonSexAholic. They need your help! Introduce them to the Kalmer Sutra and support them in achieving its enlightenment.


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